The IU Men’s Basketball team has been on the rocks for quite a while now. It seems they just can’t get their act together. Gone are the glory days when IU ruled the court, relegated to back in the day when the Big Ten actually had ten teams.
But do not despair, you fans of the hardwood. I have a cunning plan to bring IU back into its rightful place as the ruler of all things that are related to March Madness.
Yes, certainly the team needs a new coach. But let’s face it, we’ve had a lot of different leaders in recent years. I imagine it’s getting expensive, what with scouting, recruiting, and hiring the different coaches—not to mention paying them off when it’s decided they aren’t worth keeping.
As we put feelers out there, I think we need to look outside the box a little bit. I don’t pretend to be familiar with the search process, but I’d guess a committee looks at such things as coaching experience, a degree in sports management, maybe even previous experience as a professional player.
Sure, all that looks good on paper. But what about personal qualities? We need someone who will keep the team in line who will not tolerate any kind of insubordination. The coach needs to see the value in academics, and require that the team are as serious about their university studies as they are about sports.
The new coach must be intimately familiar with the game, and know how it is supposed to be played. This can only be achieved after a countless number of hours of watching basketball. Ideally, someone who understands and respects the tradition and legacy of IU Basketball, who attended IU themselves.
When all of these considerations are taken together, then there is only one clear candidate who is best positioned to step in and turn the team around. So I offer up to you, the Hero of IU Basketball:
My mom.
She has been watching this team for 75 years. That’s about the same number of years as the combined ages of the starting team. You’re just not going to get someone younger who has logged that many hours watching basketball.
(Dear Netflix: If you were to make a deal with the Big Ten network and stream past IU games, you will see a huge jump in your viewership, just from my mom alone. You’re welcome.)
Mom has also experienced all the coaches through the years, and can tell you what each of them did wrong. She has such exacting standards that she has been known to turn off a game in disgust—even when they are winning—because, in her words, “They’re just not playing good ball.”
Mom has been so disheartened in recent years that she has started watching That Other Team From Indiana. Yet, she is still loyal to her team, and holds on to the hope that the rightful owner of the title of the G.O.A.T of college basketball will one day reign again.
Sure, it’s not super practical for her to be zipping down to Bloomington on a regular basis. But with technology and Zoom and whatnot, it could work—that’s just a matter of working out logistical details. Not to keep throwing salt on a wound, but if I were IU, I’d be willing to try just about anything at this point.
I do expect a modest 10% finder’s fee for my part in brokering this deal. That should cover a lot of Mother Bear’s pizza as I chauffeur Mom back and forth to Assembly Hall.